Mid-April

So I'm actually busier than I was in March right now. Graduation is in a month. I still don't have a job, but there's a job fair this week. I have 4 weeks to complete 2 projects, one of which is not going so well. I am not likely update this again, as there is nothing interesting going on.

Oh, and my mom got a big screen TV. So, even if I do have free time, well, you know.
- posted by Marin @ 17:13

 
Bye for now

I've been too busy and tired to update lately, and it is only going to get worse in the next few weeks, so I am taking a break. Things will probably be back on track in mid-April (tax day!), but no guarantees.
- posted by Marin @ 11:28

 
I should get some sleep

I hate sitting in front of reflective surfaces because I find that I can't stop looking at myself. I know that most people think this is vain. Maybe it is at least partly vain, but mostly I think it is extreme self-consciousness. I am always self-conscious, but it comes out more when there is more information available.

I don't always like being so self-conscious. For one thing, it makes it kind of hard to write a journal on the internet. It makes it hard to talk sometimes, which makes people think I am antisocial, which I am aware of but can't do anything about. But sometimes it's worse to say anything. I don't want to say something wrong because it will bother me for a long time. I think other people can just pass over such things, but I usually can't. Still, I think it is better than the alternative. I can't stand it when people are not aware of how others view them.

Most recently, this has come out because of William Hung's popularity on my campus. If anyone reading this doesn't know, he is a Berkeley student who had a terrible audition on American Idol. He is very popular here, though not in a good way. My mother and I argue on this point. She thinks that people respect his courage, while I think they just think he's stupid. Which he is. I won't criticize him for not being able to sing. I criticize him for not knowing that he can't sing. That makes him stupid.

If you are one of the people who is making him popular, I won't tell you to stop. It would be wrong to make fun of him simply because he can't sing (unless he's a jerk, which I have seen no evidence of either way), but it is okay to make fun of the fact that he doesn't know his own limitations. If he had taken a second to, you know, watch his audition tape, he would be rejecting this popularity. His lack of self-awareness makes him fair game. I still think it's cruel, but it does seem to be ethically sound.

This, of course, is somewhat personal. Not because I had a short-lived career as an international celebrity, but because I used to not be very self-aware. I went to middle school with hateful, horrible people, but I would have been spared a lot of problems if I had taken a second to think about what people actually thought of me. They hated me. If I had kept my mouth shut more often, they would have hated me less.

I overcompensate for that now, and that sucks, but it's better than the alternative. I wish it weren't necessary, but it is.

Here is a funny, semi-related conversation with Mr. Pork:
"Hey, it's a calculator watch."
"Ooh. I used to totally want one of those, but my mom would never get it for me."
"Wow. Have you thanked her for that yet?"
He almost has a point. If I thought she had been trying to help me, perhaps I would thank her.

- posted by Marin @ 02:18

 
Friday

I usually don't really celebrate Valentine's Day, relationship or not. But this year, I think there is going to be a Valentine's Day extravaganza. Mr. Pork already sent me a stuffed bear with conversation hearts (my second-favorite holiday candy!), and we're going out tomorrow. Yes, I have sold out.

But that's tomorrow. Today is Friday the 13th, which is also kind of a holiday. I know this because it gets its own Friday Five this week:

1. Are you superstitious?

Not really. There are probably some stupid things that I do, but I don't mind walking under ladders and stuff.


2. What extremes have you heard of someone going to in the name of superstition?

Well, my folklore prof. says that they used to drown black cats. Nobody I know is very extreme with superstitions.


3. Believer or not, what's your favorite superstition?

I like how old buildings don't have a 13th floor.


4. Do you believe in luck? If yes, do you have a lucky number/article of clothing/ritual?

I have 2 lucky numbers. I have a lucky finals sweatshirt that I used to wear during finals week in high school. It worked out for me then, so I brought it to college, where it has not worked out as well.


5. Do you believe in astrology? Why or why not?

No. In my experience it's either wrong or so vague that it has to be right.
- posted by Marin @ 11:28

 
If I can't put this book down, why am I updating?

Because of the BART ride, I am way ahead of the assigned reading in all my classes except poli sci, and I have no intention of reading more for that class than I have to. So, on Monday, I decided to pick up something to read for entertainment. This, as it turns out, was a remarkably bad idea. In fact, I've decided that the best course of action is to finish it as soon as possible, so that next week I will be right on track with my reading and the book will no longer be distracting me. If I ever find myself in the same situation, I will get a magazine. Those are kind of bad for me too, but I have never found myself sitting in class thinking "Booooooooooring. I wish I could just go finish reading the March issue of Cosmo."

Anyway, the book is The Moonstone by Wilkie Collins, which, so far, I recommend, just not when you have school. My mother asked me why I chose that one, and I didn't have a good answer. So I told her that I just found it at the library, which is kind of stupid, because you can't "just find" something in the main stacks. At the very least, you have to know where the fiction section is, and you can't just pick out the one with the prettiest cover, because they all have ugly covers.

The truth is, I don't have a good answer for why. I'm not sure I ever have a good answer for the things that I choose to read outside of school. Sometimes I'll pick up something just because it's there. Actually, I've done this with other people's school books, which, now that I think of it, must be kind of annoying, but that's what they get for leaving them out.

There is also the recommendation aspect. I listen to recommendations, but I don't always follow them because sometimes I don't feel like reading whatever is recommended. Sometimes I do later. But I don't know what dictates that, either.

Most of the time for me, it's totally instinctive. It's like that Halloween episode of The Simpsons where the book just flew out and hit Bart over the head.

I started to wonder if how you choose books says something about your personality. I'm cheap and lazy, so a semi-random library selection, or a "because it's there and also free" reflects this. I know people who only read books that have a good recommendation, because it's a use of free time that should be worthwhile. There are the people who make lists of stuff to read within a certain time period. I can understand making the list, but these people actually stick to theirs.

I kind of assume that people think what they read must say a lot about their personality. Sometimes you'll see someone on BART holding a book at a weird angle to make sure that everyone can see the title. Other times, I see people holding a book perfectly flat on their lap so that you can't tell what it is and then when they stand up it's either a self-help book or something with dragons on the cover. Who are these people trying to impress? Is it the girl who doesn't realize that her cell phone won't work in the tunnel? Is it the screaming kids? Perhaps the guy who's drunk at 3pm? Or the PDA couple? And do they realize that they are doing this, or is it some subconcious thing? Or perhaps they're not doing it at all and some people are just more comfortable reading their books at weird angles. But this is way off-topic. I'm more interested in the selection process.
- posted by Marin @ 12:49

 
I need a life

Politics (American ones, anyway) are, for me, what sports are for some people. I follow them. I watch CNN on election days, and for local stuff I check online every few minutes. I think this is normal, or at least not abnormal. Because I treat it just like baseball or football. It's something that you can choose not to follow if you don't find it interesting, because it doesn't matter very much.

I was not always like this. I remember watching election returns at my grandmother's house when I was a kid and everyone being happy when a state turned blue and unhappy when a state turned red. This was 1988, so it was not such a happy day. The point is, I was taught to care about politics. I don't care anymore.

I don't care because it is pointless. Arnold Schwarzenegger is the governor of my state, and George W. Bush is the president of my country. The 3 branches of the US government are way too much in agreement. I don't think the next 4 years will be any different, and there isn't a thing that I can do about that, because I get the same number of votes as an idiot, and the idiots outnumber me. There isn't a thing that I can do about that, either.

I must care a little, because I do still follow them. But it's in kind of a detached way. And I don't like that I can care so little about a system that I will soon (hopefully) be paying thousands of dollars a year to support, but before long I'll find a way to not care about that, either. It's for my own good, really.
- posted by Marin @ 12:49

 
Nothing you have said

I don't have a good answer to the Friday Five this week, basically because I don't take risks. That's the problem I'm having now, actually. I'm not sad because I have too few options. It's that I have too many. I don't want to put a lot of work into the wrong one. On the first day of my discussion section we had to introduce ourselves and say what we wanted to do for a living. I said that I don't know but I want to be able to afford a plasma TV. This seems reasonable, but there are too many ways to reach this goal. I should choose one, but I run the risk of putting a lot of work into something that I won't like all that much. There is a fine line between stability and stagnation. I get to find out which side I'm on in May.

I can take a risk sometimes, but only when I don't really care about the outcome. I kind of care about this outcome.

That said, I might as well offer up all of my non-answers:

1. What's the most daring thing you've ever done?

Well, I used to always write my papers at the last minute. But that's kind of the opposite of doing something. I guess changing my major from bio to linguistics was a risk, and I probably made the wrong decision there.


2. What one thing would you like to try that your mother/friend/significant other would never approve of?

I wish this question had said 'do' instead of 'try.' Then I'd have a super easy answer (it starts with an 'I' and ends with a 'McKellen'), but I guess I have to actually think about it.

The weird thing is, I've gotten kind of used to disapproval from other people, despite never having done anything particularly exciting. It goes back to high school, where people were picky about everything, I think. My mother also disapproves of a lot of things, and it's hard to predict exactly what is approved and what is not. The trouble is, once you're exposed to enough disapproval over stupid things, you stop caring.

That said, I kind of want to be a contestant on one of those dating shows. Elimidate is too trashy, and Bachelor is too commitment-y. I was thinking of one of the MTV ones, like Taildaters or Dismissed. Of course, I'm attached, and I don't have the looks (and by 'looks' I mean 'big fake breasts') for TV, so I don't think this dream is going to come true.


3. On a scale of 1-10, what's your risk factor? (1=never take risks, 10=it's a lifestyle)

2. I am terribly boring.


4. What's the best thing that's ever happened to you as a result of being bold/risky?

Well, I usually did well on papers that I saved until the last minute. But I think I would have done just as well if I had been good.

In Reno, I gambled illegally and won $3.50 off of a single quarter. Not bad.


5. ... and what's the worst?

Nothing really. In fact, I'll take a certain bad outcome over a potentially really good outcome just to avoid the potentially really bad outcome that could happen instead of the really good one (this is much easier in chart form).

- posted by Marin @ 01:43

 
School does not suck today

So far, I really like my classes this semester. Figures that it would be the last one, then.

All my classes are connected, which should greatly reduce my study time. I'm taking History of the English Language, which uses many of the same concepts as Sociolinguistics. It also connects to German because Old English is basically German. German connects to Folklore because tons and tons of Folklorists were German, so some of the vocab words are too. Also, the syllabus says that the ability to read German is recommended but not required (which is good, because I can't). Folklore connects back to English because today we learned about Grimm's law. The only one that doesn't quite fit is Russia After Communism.

There are also some slightly creepy ways in which the classes are connected. Last Thursday, the English professor explained that Serbo-Croatian is basically one language that is written using two different alphabets (like Hindi-Urdu), and is considered to be two different languages mainly because the people who speak it hate each other (like, well, Hindi-Urdu). I thought this was interesting. Then, a few hours later, the Russia After Communism professor started lecturing about Yugoslavia and how it's actually 5 countries that don't get along very well.

I also kind of like commuting on BART. Sure, it costs a fortune and trains don't run very frequently, but I get a lot of my reading done. It also makes it a lot harder to skip class. You would expect it to be the opposite, but my first class requires attendance, and I can't go home between classes, so I never have the problem of missing class because I don't want to go back outside.
- posted by Marin @ 13:20

 
Library update II

I don't think I will kill the blog just yet. It turns out that I don't get much done at the library anyway.

I noticed that in the past 2 months I have cut way back on posting. This will continue, because I am busy, and also because I would like to spend more time on creative writing. I also realized last night that I haven't written any short stories in over a year, and that one wasn't even finished. I have a million ideas in my head, but I never make them into something coherent. This doesn't make me unique, or particularly talented. But I'd like to try anyway. So most of my spare writing energy will be going to short stories, which means I will be neglecting the blog.

So, it's not dead, but it's not completely back either. Does this mean that it's just dying a slow death? Probably. But, hey, so are you.

I have also been depressed lately, which makes me not want to write. I hate living at home (the food is good, as is having my own room, but the not being able to stay out late is awful) and don't really want to graduate. But I've cheered up a little this past week. I like my classes, it's raining, and I finally got my TV and DVD player set up in my room.
- posted by Marin @ 11:55